During my free time this week, I was running the numbers for my future plans, like visiting my friends out west, attending Anime Detour 2010, attending any convention, taking a vacation, getting married, et al, and folks, it’s not looking good.
The TD Bank position I have is limited to 2 percent per year raises, and the next position above me won’t be open for at least three years (it’s not that big an office), and there’s no guarantee that I’ll even get the promotion. The other unit in the building (Cash Management) I’ve heard from employees themselves that the supervisor in charge has expressed a preference for an all female office, so that doesn’t look good, and the nearest big office is in
You see, the problem is that WalMart doesn’t give vacation to part time employees, and at this juncture I can’t afford to go without a week’s pay in either job for at least the three years up to the possible promotion. And as I said, I’m at least three years before I get a significant increase in pay…bottom line, I’ll be lucky if I get to Massachusetts, let alone points west.
I know I told people I’d be able to visit, and believe me that is my ardent desire, but if wishes were horses we’d all be in the cavalry. Hopefully, you’ll just have to make due with my presence on the internet.
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:"End of the Innocence" by Don Henley
BTW, I just checked weather.com for Brattleboro, and the allergen/pollen level is listed as "Ridiculous".
- Mood:
pleased - Music:"Good by my master" by Yoko Kano
- Mood:
cynical - Music:"Brilliant Disguise" by Brice Springsteen
Stratospheric traces
Of our transitory flight
Trails of condensation held
In narrow bands of white
The sun is turning black
The world is turning gray
All the stars fade from the night
The oceans drain away
Horizon to horizon
Memory written on the wind
Fading away, like an hourglass, grain by grain
Swept away like voices in a hurricane
In a vapor trail
Atmospheric phases
Make the transitory last
Vaporize the memories
That freeze the fading past
Silence all the songbirds
Stilled by the killing frost
Forests burn to ashes
Everything is lost
Horizon to horizon
Memory written on the wind
Washed away like footprints in the rain
Swept away like voices in a hurricane
In a vapor trail
Music by Lee and Lifeson/Lyrics by Peart
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:as above
April has been a hard month, and it shows in the fact that I’ve not been posting. I always say I’m going to try to rectify that, but now, I have even less time then when I frittered my previous time on LJ watching Bravo (but, boy, do I miss watching Top Chef). And yet, here is another attempt to start posting regularly, because there are many people not in
When the month began, I had assumed the most difficult part would be separation anxiety from Anime Detour, and truly, I miss the hard work and also the camaraderie of that convention. I haven’t watched any anime in 2009, and I am so far behind that I still have episode 14 of Clanad on my copy of Veoh. I still haven’t seen any episodes of the seasons 2 or 3 of Sayonara, Zetsubou Sensei.
But first my nephew, John, depressed over my sister’s death, committed suicide on the 2nd, and then, of course, as you all know, we lost ZuZu on the 4th. For a double hit, it was pretty major – I fell back into the trap of feeling somehow I deserved this, that this was punishment for sins uncounted or unremembered, and even some remembered. It was hard for me to get up in the morning, it was hard for me to go to sleep at night. It was hard for me to call anyone – especially since, like a doofus, I called my biological family first. My father spent five minutes of time on it, starting with the old stand by “well, it was probably for the best” (you know, one day, he might even remember tzelema’s name. If ever I need a goad to not be the default personality of the Vetrovecs, to not perform to the dismal expectation, all I have to do is call dear old Dad for an example of how not to be), and then went into a 30 minute screed on how President Obama is going to give the country to the Africans. Then I called my twin brother, who, most disappointingly, conflated the miscarriage with him losing his attic window in a hale storm. I don’t know – maybe not having children makes people undervalue miscarriages. But I was pretty steamed and angry at him for that, but he’ll never know it.
A week later, in the midst of this, we were visited by the Brattleboro Police Department, since someone had a filed a child abuse complaint. Now, this was the icing on the cake. The conversation went something like this (not verbatim, since it was some time ago):
“What are we accused of?”
“Abuse.”
“What do you mean? Hitting? Yelling? Neglect?”
“Just abuse, that it was an unsafe environment. The youngest has a burn on her back.”
(Actually, the youngest had a scratch on her back, but that’s because she doesn’t understand that falling off the couch is not as fun as standing on the arm of the couch. The middle child has a burn on his arm, because sometimes he ignores invections to get out of the kitchen because bread is baking.)
Now, this just stoked me, so I let
tzelema handle the rest of the converation. How do you answer charges that have no specifics, except for one mark? We knew who it was, of course. The neighbors next door in our duplex are both on disability, and they moved in after us, and they knew we had small boisterous children, including one high functioning autistic child. But they have spread around the neighborhood that our children our wild, and that I yell at the time (I /do/ yell – usually it is “keep it down, we have neighbors!). Anyway, the funny thing is that the cop turned out to be the husband of one of
tzelema ’s acquaintances, and that his wife had come here for the youngest’s birthday party, and that the wife had made the mistake of parking in our neighbor’s driveway. The shrew of a neighbor had lit off on the wife of the cop, so bad that the poor woman started crying. When the cop realized who our neighbor was, he exclaimed about her being insane (which confirmed it was the neighbors, the cop shouldn’t probably had done that), and professed a confidence that nothing more would come of it. Still, it doesn’t exactly make me sleep soundly at night that out neighbors in our duplex are out to get us, when I’m still a bit behind on the rent.
The rest of the month has basically been trying to find my equilibirum. Work is work – I’m having a personality issue at the bank, because apparently I’ve been strange this month (Really? No fucking shit!). At Wal*mart, I’ve got two customer recommendations, and I’ve been informed that they are considering promoting me to Training Coordinator. I really don’t like Training, but I like being poor even less, so I’ll take it if they offer it.
I miss having time to really game. I miss having time to goof off without feeling guilty. I miss the promise of Zuzu. I really miss my friends. If it wasn’t for
tzelema and her love for me, I’d go batshit crazy.
Sorry for the drama, but I needed to get this out.
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:"Secret Touch" by Rush
The title sums it up - I really don't have any words, but the words of others.
- Mood:
numb - Music:Vapor Trails, by Rush
"Oh my god! What is wrong?"
"Dave, what's wrong?"
"Zeke's stomach, it's pink! I'll get the car."
Exasperated stare. "It's marker."
"What? Why? Where? Who?"
I don't understand small people.
- Mood:
confused - Music:"Ghost Rider" by Rush
Hmmm, maybe I should pull out some anime library or something.
- Mood:
disappointed - Music:"Same as it ever was" by Talking Heads
And it will be a girl. My 12 year old step-daughter has informed us of such, and as she put it "I'm never wrong". We've all come to accept that, so, we have granted a temporary name to the little one. She is officially know as Zuzu. Ten points if you get the reference.
- Mood:awake
- Music:"In a Big Country" Big Country
"Oh yes. Malcolm"
Ears prick. "Malcolm?" One of the older ladies says "That's an odd name..."
I take a hunch. "Is his middle name Reynolds?"
The grandmother says "Yes, it is, Malcolm Reynolds Roy. They got the name from one of the shows they like."
Ladies and gentlemen, fandom in New England. If you feed us, we will grow.
By the way, I guess I should let people know. I'm going to be a father in September. God help the little tyke.
- Mood:
amused - Music:"Far Cry" by Rush
- Mood:
busy - Music:Vampire Prince Miyu sound track
I've just finished my 2008 taxes for the Feds and the state of Minnesota. (I'll have an easier time with the state of Vermont, with how little I made.) All I can say is 401(k) early distributions? Dicey
- Mood:
tired - Music:"Rockstar" by Nickelback
Since I'm the only sibling that has all contacts with all parts of the family, it has been my duty to contact all the other parts of her family that didn't live in Georgia and let them know, plus coordinate the distribution of her ashes, which she is going to put into crystals which she bought from the internet. It was difficult, because every one in turn opined the fact that our family has never been close (as the comedian Dennis Miller so aptly put it, "we were like a tour group with secrets"). I can't even find my half sister, Tami - I think she got married, and moved to another section of the Ohio-Pennsylvania border area. I have opined before to friends and other family members that relationships don't retain inertia, they must be cultivated. While not exactly blameless in this area, I have made a more concerted effort than others to keep lines of communication open. I still believe that the true, good friends I have and will have can be kept as close as they were when we saw or talked each other every day, as long as you put the work in. That's why I post on LiveJournal so openly, and continually do so, even though several people ask why I post the way I do. I want you all to be part of my life, for what part of life I have left.
I try not to give advice - I've not been successful enough to do so. But I will here - there's no such thing as tomorrow, cherish those close to you today.
- Mood:
melancholy - Music:none
- Mood:
ecstatic - Music:Back in the Saddle, by Aerosmith
Jesus Christ, I'm in the shit now. I am well and truly fucked.
- Mood:
infuriated - Music:"Working Man" by Rush
Not quite sure what I'm doing wrong here.
In a bit of good news, Wal*Mart called me at 9am on Monday and asked if I wanted my job back. As much bile as I have for them, as much as I loathe the job and the people I work with with every fibre of my being, money is money.
I wonder if karma is really a concept, and if it is, I had better had a shit load of fun for the debt I'm paying off.
- Mood:
cynical - Music:"Where I Stood" Missy Higgins
Strangely enough, although the timing couldn't be worse, I'm not that upset. I really didn't like the 10pm to 6:30am shifts, it really screwed up my sleep schedule, because on my days off, I actually tried to keep normal hours. I didn't move half way across the country to not see my fiance' and have alone time (at least, not with three kids demanding an equal share). I have a bookkeeper/administrator job with a landscaping firm still high on the 'maybe' list, and my interview for the accounts payable position with the Mt Snow Ski Resort went rather well. Keep your fingers crossed. Hopefully,
I've just experienced my first full time Hanukkah, and besides some candle excitement and a well meaning member from Chabad-Lubavitch, it was pretty eventful. Hopefully next year will have some guests over.
I got my final warning for a discount from CONvergence, but I didn't get one from Anime Detour. Hmmm. I sure do hope someone has updated my address.
Now, for New Years. Apparently, Brattleboro doesn't have a First Night celebration, but a Last Night. Anything to be different, I guess.
- Mood:
determined - Music:I Alone, by Live
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:Inner Universe by Yoko Kanno
So, I wish you all Happy Holidays. I'll do better next year.
- Mood:
embarrassed - Music:"Carol of the Bells" various
The story is when I came home. It's like they have radar or something. Last week when I came home with plumbing supplies and they couldn't stop the tormenting of each other to open the door for me. Today, they wanted to know what's in the other bag, ignoring the cat food entirely. The reply "nothing" did not dissuade them, and eventually I had to say 'socks and underwear', because I had a package of socks in the bag. I took them out . showed them black socks, and hid the stuff in my closet. A close run piece of legerdemain - I'm going to have to a better job of misdirection next time.
Now, to finalize the holiday card list - as the 8 year old would say "urg!" (meaning, I don't have it done yet?)
- Mood:
good - Music:Macross Plus Vol 1 by Yoko Kanno
